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| Cheating in a relationship |
Infidelity,
however, doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all definition. What one couple would
consider cheating might be a healthy part of another couple’s relationship. For
example, is an emotional connection with someone without physical intimacy
cheating? What about an online relationship? What if a couple practices ethical
no monogamy?
Couples need to define for themselves what
constitutes infidelity in the context of their relationship.
Why Do People in Relationships Cheat?
Cheating: it’s the ultimate relationship
violation and a notorious relationship killer. A favorite gossiping pastime,
the phenomenon is frequently discussed but difficult to study. The goal is to
avoid getting caught, so why confess infidelity in the name of science?
But scientists can offer us new insight on
a topic often shrouded in stigma and mystery. As researchers have recently
demonstrated, cheating is rarely a simple affair. There are many reasons why
people cheat, and the patterns are more complex than common stereotypes
suggest. A fascinating new study sheds some light on these motivations.
The investigation included 495 people
(87.9 percent of whom identified as heterosexual), who were recruited through a
participant pool at a large U.S. university and through Reddit message boards
with relationship themes. The participants admitted to cheating in their
relationship and answered the question at the root of the mystery: Why did you
do it? An analysis revealed eight key reasons: anger, self-esteem, lack of
love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation
or circumstance. These motivations not only influenced why people cheated but
how long they did so, their sexual enjoyment, their emotional investment in the
affair, and whether their primary relationship ended as a result.
Though most cheating involves sex, it is rarely just
about making love itself. Most participants felt some form of emotional attachment to
their affair partner, but it was significantly more common in those who
reported suffering from neglect or lack of love in their primary relationship.
Around two-thirds of participants (62.8 percent) admitted to expressing
affection toward their new partner. And about the same proportion (61.2
percent) engaged in sexually explicit dialogue with them. Roughly four out of
10 (37.6 percent) had intimate conversations, while one in 10 (11.1 percent)
said, “I love you.” Those who reported feeling less connected to their primary
partner experienced greater emotional intimacy in the affair, perhaps as a way
of fulfilling that need. Similarly, when infidelity was linked to a lack of love,
individuals found the experience more intellectually and emotionally
satisfying.
Participants’ satisfaction with sex differed depending
on the reason for their affair. People reported feeling more sexually fulfilled
when they cheated because of desire, lack of love, or a need for variety. Those
who cited a situation as the primary cause were far less satisfied. Much of the
sexual activity was limited to kissing (86.7 percent) and cuddling (72.9
percent). In fact, the study found that only half of the cheaters reported
having vaginal intercourse.
The reason for the infidelity also greatly impacted
its length. In some cases, the relationship was a brief tryst, while others
were a longer and deeper attachment. Those who cheated because of anger (such
as a wish to “seek revenge”), lack of love, or need for variety had a longer
affair, while those motivated by the situation (such as those who were “drunk”
or “overwhelmed” and “not thinking clearly”) ended it earlier. Women also had a
longer affair on average than men.
In the
end, only a third of participants ultimately admitted cheating on their
primary partner. Women were more inclined to fess up than men. Those who came
clean were more likely to have cheated out of anger or neglect rather than
sexual desire or variety. This suggests that their confession was possibly a
form of retribution and a way to exact revenge instead of a way to clear their
conscience. The participants who confessed were also more likely to form a
committed relationship with the affair partner.
While
infidelity is typically a clandestine enterprise, some cheaters were less
careful than others, perhaps intentionally. Those cheating because of lack of
love went on more public dates and displayed more public affection toward their
partner. PDA was also common for those seeking variety or looking to boost
their self-esteem. On the other hand, situational cheaters were less inclined
to cheat out in the open, perhaps because they hoped to return to their primary
relationship without getting caught.
So is an
affair really a relationship killer? Ultimately, the fate of the participants’
primary relationship depended less on the act itself and more on what motivated
it. Cheating was more likely to end a relationship when it arose from anger,
lack of love, low commitment, or neglect. And it was less likely to do so when
the infidelity was circumstantial. Surprisingly, only one in five (20.4
percent) of relationships ended because of the affair. The same number of
couples (21.8 percent) stayed together despite their primary partner finding
out, while slightly more (28.3 percent) stayed together without their partner
discovering their infidelity. The remaining relationships broke up for no
cheating reasons.
Rarely did
infidelity lead to a real relationship. Only one out of 10 of the affairs (11.1
percent) ultimately turned into a full-fledged commitment—one of the
preconceptions that turn out to be true.
5 Different Types of Infidelity
Each case of
infidelity is different and fulfills a different need. Although knowing why
a partner cheated likely won't lessen any pain you feel, being able
to rationalize the behavior and define it will alleviate some confusion. It can
also help you feel more confident in how to move forward from the
situation—whether that means working on healing your relationship or moving on
should you decide to split up.
Learn more
about the five types of cheating below, and what to do if you find yourself the
victim of infidelity.
Opportunistic Infidelity
Opportunistic infidelity occurs when
one is in love and attached to their partner, but succumbs to their sexual
desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by
situational circumstances or opportunity, risk-taking behavior, and alcohol or
drug use. As social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato says, "Not every
act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current
relationship…Maybe they were drinking or in some other way thrown into an
opportunity they didn't anticipate."
After the fact, the more in love a person
is with their partner, the more guilt they will experience as a result of their
sexual encounter. However, feelings of guilt tend to fade as the fear of being
caught subsides.
Obligatory Infidelity
This type of infidelity is based on the
fear that resisting someone's sexual advances will result in rejection. People
may have feelings of sexual desire, love, and attachment for a partner, but
still, end up
cheating because they have a strong need for approval. In addition,
their need for approval can cause them to act in ways that are at odds with
their other feelings. In other words, some people cheat, not because they want
to cheat, but because they need the approval that comes along with having the
attention of others.
Romantic Infidelity
"Sometimes (but not always) a deficit
in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs,"
says DiDonato. This type of infidelity occurs when the cheater
has little emotional attachment to their partner. They may be
committed to their marriage and making it work, but they long for an intimate,
loving connection with someone else. More than likely, their commitment to the
marriage will prevent them from ever leaving their spouse. Romantic infidelity
means pain for the other man or woman and the cheating partner—rarely does it
turn into a long-term, committed relationship. Marital problems have to be
quite severe before a spouse will leave the marriage for another person.
Conflicted Romantic Infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when people
experience genuine love and sexual desire for more than one person at
a time. Despite our idealistic notions of having only one true love, it is
possible to experience intense romantic love for multiple people at the same
time. While such situations are emotionally possible, they are very complicated
and tend to create a lot of anxiety and stress. In this case, cheating
partners, in their attempt not to cause anyone harm, often end up hurting
everyone.
Commemorative Infidelity
This type of infidelity occurs when a
person is in a committed relationship but has no feelings for their
partner. There is no sexual desire or love or attachment, only a sense of
obligation keeping the couple together. "Lacking love and lacking
commitment to a current romantic partner are both tied to general feelings of
relationship dissatisfaction," says DiDonato.
These people justify cheating by telling
themselves they have the right to look for what they are not getting in their
present relationship. Unfulfilled sexual desires can easily come into play
here. "Maybe in their established relationship, individuals aren't
engaging in the frequency of sex, style of sex, or specific sexual behaviors
that they want," DiDonato adds. "This can contribute to their reasons
to cheat."
How to repair your relationship after someone cheats
If both you
and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it
can be done, but it's going to be a long road. Here are a few important actions
to take together that can help repair your relationship.
Make sure there is remorse
“There needs
to be an adequate level of remorse. So if you’re the partner that has cheated,
you really do have to feel deeply sorry. It can’t be something that can in
any way come off nonchalant. There has to be a deep sense of regret and remorse
for what happened,” says Elmquist. “And if your partner has cheated on you and
you’re not feeling that remorse from them, that’s going to be something you’re
going to want to look for as the starting point for you to get back on the same
track.”
Be honest about why it happened
This is the hardest step and will largely
dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward. "People can
make poor choices at times," says Mahoney. "The question then
becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now have to dictate the future
of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind
the affair." Underlying unmet needs in the relationship, poor
communication, attachment difficulties, and antiquated gender roles can all be the impetus for an affair — ones that Mahoney has helped couples work through in
her practice.
“Infidelity is very complex, there’s a lot
of depth and complexity to why people might cheat and how you can find a way
back to each other,” adds Elmquist, who says insight is crucial. "Why did
this happen? Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that
ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it?
Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important.”
But if the person who cheated isn't
willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame,
repairing things might not be possible. "[The reason] can’t be overly
simplified, such as 'I’m a man' or 'it just happened,'" says marriage
coach and author Lesli Doares. "The only way to rebuild
trust is to be completely clear why it happened so when faced with a similar
situation in the future, a different choice will be made."
Grant's husband admitted he was a sex
addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. "By the time
I felt strong enough to leave, my husband had been in therapy for a couple of
years and had done so much work to understand why he'd risked a family he loved
for relationships that didn't really matter," says Grant. "I
respected how hard he'd worked. He had done everything he could to support me
as I healed."
Remove temptations to re-engage with the affair
If the affair
is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with the
person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process.
"Deleting contact information, blocking numbers, and removing social media
contacts will be essential," says Dr. Brandon Santan, a licensed marriage
and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee.
Because
Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more
complicated. "I do think 'no contact' is important, but sometimes it's
impossible," she says. "In that case, there needs to be transparency
about any interactions."
Move forward with brutal honesty and care
Being cheated
on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be
addressed in order to move past it is a lack of honesty. "The lying is
a huge part of the betrayal,' says Doares, which is why she encourages the
person who cheated to be brutally honest about all the details of the affair to
move forward — not just the ones that will hurt his or her partner the least.
"The cheater has to be completely transparent and answer any and all
questions," she says.
This level of
transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that trust back
up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process. "My
husband gave up anything that made me uncomfortable (like going out with the
boys after work). I had access to any/all electronics/emails, passwords, etc. He
told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems humiliating in the short
term, but he understood that that was how he was going to rebuild trust,"
she says.
“You’re going
to have to set other things aside for a while and you’re really going to have
to pour into this relationship in order for it to have a fresh, strong, new
foundation,” adds Elmquist.
Be selective about who you tell
Your gut reaction might be to blast your
partner's indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis
McNulty, LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism.
"I’ve seen people in this position go to extreme lengths to hurt their
spouse in a very public manner," he says. "Often this is done
out of rage and with lack of clarity that usually makes the person who was
cheated on look bad or crazy by how they react." It's healthy to talk to
someone about what you're going through, especially to a therapist. But telling
everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring.
"The more people that know about it,
the more people are going to have their opinions based off of purely trying to
protect you from getting hurt," McNulty explains. "This is the
therapist’s worst nightmare because coalitions and allegiances amongst friends
and family members really make moving forward difficult." Especially if
you two do decide to work through this. "The person who was cheated on may
be able to forgive and move on, but the family still holds an intense grudge
that usually puts more pressure on an already vulnerable relationship that is
trying to rebuild and move on," says McNulty.
Grant found support by creating a
blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect with others who were also
victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her
healing process. "I created my site because I was desperate for a
community of women who knew what I was going through and who wouldn't
judge," she says. Our culture lacks a real understanding of how
devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only
to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up with
it.'"
Consider working with a licensed therapist
After an affair, it can be hard to know
what to do or even where to start. If the conversations you're having with your
partner feel like they're not getting anywhere, consider working with a
licensed therapist who can help guide the process. "The therapist's
ability to be a neutral party in the conversation helps identify what
underlying unmet needs can be recognized and processed within the couple’s
relationship," Mahoney explains. "During this investigative stage of
therapy, couples often have the ability to seek understanding, find compassion,
have greater potential to problem solve and move forward."
“Once you have that insight [on why
someone cheated], how do you take the learnings from that and how do you put it
into actionable change? Because the relationship is going to have to change,”
says Elmquist. “I oftentimes tell couples they are going to have to bury that
first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each
other. And in that new relationship, you’re going to put in the same intensity
you did at the beginning of your relationship all over again; that same
intensity of learning about each other and caring for each other and being intentional
with each other.”
Grant and her husband eventually sought
couples counseling after they had each worked with separate therapists.
"Our relationship is better in a lot of ways thanks to therapy," says
Grant. "My husband has shown up for our life together in a way that he
just didn't before. We have a lot of fun together, he's a much more
hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of childhood grief so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him."
"If you’re truly wanting to move on
and continue with life with your partner after infidelity and have a loving
relationship, it is possible. I see it in my office every day," says McNulty.
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