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| The Best Time To Date After A Breakup |
That's why the best place to start is by
shutting out all the outside advice and focusing on how you feel
about dating after a breakup. If the relationship was long, and it meant a
lot to you, chances are you'll need a significant amount of time to heal before
signing up for a dating app. And that's OK. "Breakups can have a profound
mental and physical impact on a person," Jonathan Bennett, a
certified counselor and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, "Some experts have compared getting over a breakup to a grieving
process."
You'll want to spend time focusing on
yourself, perhaps going to therapy, and rebuilding your schedule before you
even think about adding someone new to your life. The process can take months,
if not years, but it's often well worth it to wait. Not all breakups are
this devastating, though. Sometimes, they actually come as a huge relief — and
when that's the case, you may be ready to date within a week. "For some
people, the feelings have ended before the breakup, and the breakup is actually
a moment where they are set free to feel for others," Dr. Josh
Klapow, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist,
Overall, knowing how long after a breakup you should date is a personal thing. Focusing on yourself and your unique situation is the first and foremost thing you should prioritize. That being said, it can be difficult to sort through your own complex feelings, which is why there are some signs to look out for that may mean you're ready, especially if you want to be emotionally prepared for your next relationship. Here, experts weigh in on the 15 signs you're ready to date again after a breakup.
You've Learned A Lot About Yourself
There's no
specific timeline when it comes to grieving a breakup, moving on, and starting
to date again, so feel free to take "however long you need to work through
the anger or sadness," Janet Zinn, LCSW, a New York City-based
couples therapist, tells Bustle. Take a month, take six months, take a year —
whatever feels right. And make it more about focusing on yourself and what you've
learned from the breakup than about counting the days.
"It’s
better to get through the breakup and learn what you can from the previous
relationship so you’ve grown," Zinn says. Once you've figured out a lesson
or two — what you want in your next relationship and what you don't — go ahead
and get back out there.
You're
Ready To Be A Good Partner
You won't be able to bring your best self
to a new relationship if you're still focused on the past, so wait until it
feels like you can actually be a good partner before getting back out there.
"Do the inner work first," Rosalind Sedacca, a certified
relationship coach, tells Bustle. "Work on healing yourself of baggage
[...] Work on forgiving yourself for choosing a partner who wasn't a good match.
And on forgiving your partner for the disappointment and hurt related to your
relationship."
Your future relationships will be so much
better if you let go of old pain, resentments, doubts, and anger, Sedacca says,
or at the very least start the process of doing so. Meeting with a therapist
can help you assess all these areas, so you can give a new relationship the
same type of energy you hope to get back.
You're Enjoying Being Alone
We're often told that being single is
"bad" and being in a relationship is "good." But having
this mentality can result in feeling the need to rush back out and find someone
new before you're truly ready.
Try giving yourself a chance to breathe
first. Give yourself time to process the breakup and to create a life that
feels whole. Hang out with friends, take classes, pick up hobbies, and then see
about adding a partner as a sort of bonus. As Bennett says, "If you’ve
reached the point where you don’t mind being alone and can enjoy it, it’s a
good sign that you’re ready to start dating again (for the right
reasons)."
You Feel Happy With Yourself
Tammer Malaty, MS, LPC, a licensed
professional counselor, echoes the sentiment that there isn't a definitive
amount of time to wait before you start dating again. You can, however, take it
as a good sign if you've begun to feel better about yourself as a person —
especially if the breakup left you with a few insecurities.
"A significant other can make us feel
better about ourselves temporarily, but it usually is not enough to sustain it
in a healthy relationship," "It is usually once we
break out of the honeymoon phase of a relationship that our
insecurities begin to flare up. My advice is to work on those insecurities
while single because they are likely to pop up in your next relationship. Being
aware of those insecurities can help a person cope with them when they
arise."
This might mean having long talks with friends or going to therapy. "Therapy is a great place to learn about yourself and to figure out why it is that you do the things you do," Malaty says.
You No Longer Want Your Ex Back
It's common to miss an ex after
a breakup. But if you'd happily get back together with them tomorrow — even if
you know that wouldn't be a good idea, Bennett says — don't try to date anyone
else just yet. Give yourself time to officially move past this stage, which
you'll know has happened when you're able to think about the relationship in a
nostalgic way, instead of a soul-crushingly sad way.
"You'll feel, you'll remember, but
you don’t get stuck," Klapow says. "Old memories will just be old
memories. They won’t keep you from going to work, engaging socially with
friends, or doing what you need to do in your daily life." Once you get to
this stage of the breakup, you're well on your way to moving on.
You Can Envision A Different Future
In a similar vein, if you can think about
the future without feeling like a giant piece of you will be missing, that's a
great sign!
"Whatever events in the future you
had planned as a couple, whether it was a family vacation or the next step of
moving in together, you've started to visualize yourself going through them
without that person," Kara Lissy, LCSW, a psychotherapist at A Good
Place Therapy and Consulting, "The end of a relationship is
a grieving process, and a crucial part of that process is reorienting yourself
to a life without them."
The future will no longer seem like a blurry mess, where you struggle to accept that things will be different. Instead, Lissy says you'll be able to think things like, "We're broken up, and that's OK."
You've Done The Math
Many times, people are ready to start
seriously dating anywhere from six months to a year after a major breakup, but
it still largely depends on the length of time they spent in the
relationship, Alexis Nicole White, an author and relationship expert,
That's why, if you still aren't sure where
you fall on this spectrum and are looking for a little outside guidance, you
may want to do some quick math. "Theoretically, I would give two to three
months for every year you all were together to process the loss of a relationship,
grieve, and pick yourself back up," she says. In other words, you need
solo time to be ready for the next.
While this math isn't based on any actual
data, Klapow says, it's a great way to check in with yourself as you go about
the process of moving on. If you were together for five years, for example,
give yourself 15 months to focus on yourself, then take the time to reassess.
At that point, you may realize you're ready to date.
A Little Voice Is Urging You To Try
If you hear a little voice in your head
urging you to sign up for a dating app, or if you find yourself daydreaming
about finding someone new, take that as your cue. "You will often have an
inner feeling when you know you're ready to start dating
again," Carolyn Cole, LCPC, LMFT, NCC, a licensed marriage and family
therapist
You'll want to ignore the voice, however,
if it's stemming from loneliness or the notion that you're "running out of
time" to find a partner. If you were to start dating again under these
circumstances, Cole says, you may start to get to know someone and then back
away as old fears begin popping back up, which is a sign you aren't ready.
"On the contrary," Cole says,
"if you are dating again because you truly feel you are ready to date
again — you've healed from the last relationship and feel ready to meet that
person who will add value to your life — then it's time."
You've Improved Bad Habits
It doesn't matter why your relationship
ended or whose fault it was. All that matters is that you take time to think
about any bad habits you brought to the table, so you can work on them before
dating someone new.
"If you had bad habits and patterns
that played a part in the relationship’s demise, it would be a very good idea
to work through these as well first, so that you do not carry them into your
next relationship, which can poison it from the start," Dr. Nikki
Martinez, a psychologist, and author of The Reality of Relationships. Once you've taken adequate time to heal and work all that stuff out,
feel free to give it a spin.
You're 75% Over It
Experts agree there is no one way to know
how long you may need to wait after a breakup to get back out there. "The
only way to tell is, to be honest with yourself regarding your feelings over
your ex," Kali Rogers, a certified life coach,. How over
them are you, really? "If you are 100% — or even 75% — over them, it's
safe to date. If you're not over them — not even halfway over them — do not
date."
It's all about fairness, and if you're
still hung up in the past, there's nothing fair about that. It's not fair to
you, and it's certainly not fair to your potential partners. "I'm sure you
wouldn't like it if you started dating [someone] who wasn't over their ex, so
don't do that to others either," Rogers says. "Putting a Bandaid on
an axe wound never helps — do the hard work first so you can heal properly, and
then go out and date."
You've Fully Accepted The Breakup
It's amazing how long you can hold onto
the idea of getting back together or thinking the breakup was a fluke. If
you're still staring at your phone waiting for your ex to call, turn your
attention to some of the aforementioned recovery skills, like going to therapy
and focusing on yourself.
If you've truly accepted it's over,
though, go ahead and date. "Acceptance does not mean that you have to know
why the relationship ended, as in some cases, you may never know
this," Darcie Brown, LMFT, a licensed marriage, and family therapist, "In these situations, acceptance means finding a way to be
OK with not knowing and being able to move forward."
It means you're fine with the idea of
never hearing from your ex again because you know it's time to start over
fresh and continue on with your life.
You're Sure You Aren't Rebounding
If you want to experiment with casual
dating after a breakup or are craving a quick hookup, go for it. But if you're
still hurting, it’s often worth it to wait until those initial pangs of
separation lessen, or else you might end up doing more harm than good.
"Rebound relationships create a lot of heartaches when you realize the person you’ve invested in isn’t right — and you didn’t see it from the get-go because you were so invested in replacing what was lost in the breakup that led to the rebound," April Masini, a New York-based relationship expert, and author, "Wait to feel truly single before dating if your breakup is super painful." Go slow and be careful.
You No Longer Compare Anyone To Your Ex
If you go on a date and can't even hear
what the other person is saying because you're too busy mentally comparing them
to your ex, and it feels like they aren't measuring up, please delete your
dating app and wait a bit longer. "Take time off until you can appreciate
each date for what he or she has to offer," Anita Chlipala, a
relationship coach and therapist, If you can't, it means you're
still too hung up on the past to appreciate the present.
You Feel Empowered
You don’t have to be in a relationship to
feel sensual, loved, and empowered. In fact, the experts think you should learn
to embrace those feelings especially when you’re single. Staying in touch with
your “flirtatious and romantic side” when you’re not dating, according to life
coach Maddy Moon, is incredibly important. “Those things never have to
stop, even if you're taking a break from dating,” "One of the best tips I can give someone is to learn how to be sensual and
single at the same time.” Once you’ve established a love affair with yourself
first, then you’ll likely be more ready to find a new partner.
You Just Feel Ready
Of course, the most significant indicator that you
are ready to put yourself back out into the dating world is that you feel prepared
and actively want to date again. "The biggest sign that you’re ready to
date again is your desire to date again," Brooke Bergman,
relationship and dating coach, "It usually means
you’re feeling brave enough to risk being brokenhearted. It’s normal to feel
ready one day and not ready the next. I usually tell people not to give in to fear. Sometimes we need to lean into the fear instead of allowing it to
dictate the direction of our lives." Trust your gut. You can always decide
later, be it after a first date or a few weeks of trying, that you’re not quite
ready yet.
While there is no one-size-fits-all answer
to the question of when to date again after a breakup, hopefully, these tips
will help guide you toward figuring it out. None of these markers alone is a
sure guarantee that you're ready to date again. Healing is not linear, and no
one is going to be perfectly ready to move on at any given time. Don't be
afraid to take time to yourself, and wait until you know what it is you truly
want.
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