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| Why Does My Boyfriend Get Insecure Every Time I Turn Down making love? |
He's insisted that regular, healthy making
love is part of a good relationship. I know it is, but I should also be able to
express when I am and am not in the mood without causing an issue.
Additionally, I’ve always needed time alone to myself as I'm pretty introverted. When I've said as much to him, he assumes I don't want to see him, or that I need space because of him. That isn’t the case at all — I need space from everyone so I can decompress, and I should be able to ask for this, too, without feeling guilty. During our last big conversation, I brought up the idea of taking a moment to reflect on the things I need (essentially taking a small break) and he hated that. I thought I was being mature. I got out of a relationship two months before we started seriously dating, so maybe I needed more time in between to be by myself.
A: First of
all, you deserve alone time simply because you’re human. You don’t need to list
reasons why it makes you feel better in order to justify it. That your
boyfriend doesn’t respect your need for alone time is just as
upsetting as his lack of regard for your sexual preferences. Both behaviors are
violating, self-centered, and manipulative. Healthy people want their
partners to get time for themselves, to recharge in whatever way makes them feel
good.
Now, onto
the making love issue. I’m surprised by his claim that “a regular, healthy sex
life is part of a good relationship” when he is the one who
has, unintentionally perhaps, created a toxic pattern around sex. His position
here — essentially, no alone time, no turning down sex — is certainly far from
what anyone would consider “healthy.”
It’s
perfectly understandable if your partner isn’t thrilled with
the amount of making love you two are having, or with the ways that making
love is being initiated. It’s common, if sad, to occasionally feel undesired by
your partner, or to feel dissatisfied with your sex life, and it’s something
that can be addressed. The problem here is how he’s choosing
to respond. You’ve expressed to him your wants and needs, and he’s pushing back
against those asks using multiple tactics. That is what is
incredibly troubling to me. That is a red flag central.
Having a partner turn down sex doesn’t feel amazing. I get that. Obviously, it would be great if our sex drives were always lined up with our partners. That said, a more healthy conversation about sex would go like this, “Hey babe, want to have sex tonight?” and then the other person might say, “I’m not really feeling up for it, but I’d love to make out/watch TV together/cuddle tonight.” Or whatever! And then both parties would feel totally fine. Maybe one person would jerk off! Maybe they’d watch porn together and not have sex! Maybe they’d both fall asleep and do nothing! But if you can’t have basic conversations around sex without it becoming a rejection, that’s concerning.
Imagine sex like eating. If you said,
“Hey, do you want to have lunch now?” and your partner replied, “Oh, no, I’m
not hungry,” and then you got upset, that would be absolutely bananas, right?
Being horny and being hungry are very similar. They’re body feelings! You don’t
always want as much as your partner at the same time, and that’s
perfectly OK. You don’t owe your partner a matching
sex drive.
The simplest answer here is for you to break up with this man who has no respect for your needs and boundaries, and a problematic connection between sex and validation to boot. That said, I know it’s much easier said than done to just walk away. If you stay, it’s imperative that you make a massive change before your own relationship with sex gets violated or harmed. I don’t want you to look back in a year and think, “Wow, I used to really enjoy sex, and now it feels like something I owe the people I date.” I don’t want you to feel used, undervalued, or objectified. Those are not feelings you should ever feel in a relationship.
I don’t know your boyfriend beyond what
you’ve told me here, but my best friend’s ex exhibited similar patterns. He was
insistent about sex and guilt-tripped her when they didn’t have it “regularly,”
which to him meant every day. He was jealous when she spent time doing anything
that wasn’t actively validating him and their relationship. The whole thing
was, for her — and possibly for him! — exhausting. Theirs was not a caring
relationship equally imagined by both parties. Instead, she was a slot machine,
and if he put in enough “nice guy” quarters, he might win sex. If he didn’t, he
made her life miserable, becoming clingy and whiny to the point where it was
easier to just have sex with him to sate him for a little while.
Maybe reading this written about someone else will allow it to sink in: That’s not love, it’s manipulation.
One of the most concerning parts about
this situation is that you’ve had multiple conversations — big conversations by
your own admission — but he still doesn’t seem to be capable of hearing you or
adjusting his behavior. If you’re set on staying in this relationship, though,
I think you have to have a lot more big talks, starting with a real Come To
Jesus talk. The talk to end all talks.
For me, it would go something like this. “Byron, you are doing things that are deal-breakers for me, and if they continue, I will have to leave. This isn’t an ultimatum; it’s a hard boundary. I’ve been telling you what I need for a while, and you have either not understood me or not been willing to listen. If I turn down sex, it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It’s not a measure of my love. I’m not giving sex to you as a gift. Sex is something we do together because it feels good. Even if it didn’t feel good for me, I’m concerned that you still would want to have it. Help me brainstorm a solution that works for us because I’m at the end of my rope.” Ultimately, he needs to understand how much his actions have hurt you, and want to change his behavior as a result of that — not simply because you’re “mad” at him.
I would also insist on
couples therapy and individual therapy for him. He needs to get to the bottom
of why he believes that he is owed sex by a partner, and why that’s the only
way he’s feeling validated by you. Together, you might find it helpful to have
a third party there who can listen to what’s going on and point out unhealthy
behaviors and patterns. Without that, I’m concerned the current dynamic will
slowly chip away at your self-assurance that your own needs are just as
important as his.
In relationships where sex is a
particularly sensitive issue, some couples implement the red,
yellow, and green light system, where green would represent, “I’m horny
as hell, all systems go,” yellow would mean, “Let’s take a
shower together and see where we’re at,” and red would signal, “I’m
exhausted raincheck?” Putting sexual desire in code words removes some of
the emotion behind it, which can help minimize feelings of rejection.
Additionally, suggesting a different intimate activity is usually helpful in
making that partner feel like they’re still desired; something like, “I’m
not up for it now, but I can’t wait to spend all day in bed with you this
weekend,” or “I’m beat, but let’s cuddle and watch the new show you’ve
been talking about.”
Again, not having sex with your partner
isn’t a rejection of them, nor does it signify a lack of love. Your partner
equating those things isn’t healthy, but it is understandable —
almost none of us has a perfectly sound relationship with sex and desire. His
taking those feelings out on you, however, isn’t OK, and it’s a dynamic that
has to change if your relationship is to continue.
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